guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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