There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
