i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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