the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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