Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
