By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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