omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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