1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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