woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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