Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
