I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
