i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Omg I joined a choir last night...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize