Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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