I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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