I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There r osticjed everywhere
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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