we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
