OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
