is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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