there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize