420 ftw
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
