listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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