I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
