kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
