fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
