Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
