I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
