Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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