The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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