I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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