I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
