One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
