I'm going to jail i love you
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
