There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize