I just gift wrapped bread.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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