Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
