Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
