You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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