this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
