And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
