after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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