apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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