i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I puked a lego.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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