5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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