I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
