Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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