His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
