I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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