dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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