Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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