I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize