i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
