I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
