What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
