John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
