My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
