she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
why do cheetos always look like penises
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
