mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
