so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
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