If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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