he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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