have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
