hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
