I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
