where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
