I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
