I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
