It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
